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So no matter how much a person tries to change us, we’re not going to change.Plus, we’re going to resent the person who is pushing us to be something other than what we’ve already chosen to be.Chances are you’ve got a list in your mind (or even on paper) of the qualities you’re looking for in the person you date.
Maybe you have issues with the person’s table manners. Perhaps their goals (or lack thereof) are different than your own. The point is that you’ve got some fairly significant concerns about whether to keep pursuing this person.
But you wonder if you’re being too picky, or you should hold tight to your standards.
If you genuinely care for this person and see ways they can improve their quality of life, then that’s a justifiable motivation, especially if you can present your recommendations non-judgmentally and with respect.
That’s much more legitimate than calling for change out of your own insecurities, and in such a way that makes them feel bad about themselves.
So if you have some non-negotiables, and this person in your life doesn’t meet the criteria you’ve set out, then be willing to move on without that person, and make yourself available for new possibilities. Don’t Work from an Unreasonable List There’s nothing wrong with having standards, even high ones. For example, the length of a person’s second toe, or the fact that they sometimes chew with their mouth open, probably shouldn’t be an absolute deal-breaker.
Also, it may not be realistic to expect to find someone who looks like a fashion model, or who loves the Dodgers as much as you do.Don’t overemphasize the small stuff, and don’t expect the impossible.Do Think about what Matters most to You Concentrate on whether you and this person are like-minded and compatible in terms of values and important issues. Yes, it may be true that they don’t have a job right now.So don’t expect to change the person you’re with in any fundamental way. Do Encourage Growth and Expose the Person to new Possibilities There’s nothing wrong with presenting someone with ways they can improve as a person or shake off some of the rough, so that the diamond can shine through a bit more.The key questions are your motivation, and how you go about recommending growth.If you know that a person is wrong for you, and that they’ll never be right, then you have to walk away from the relationship.