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Forget everyone else for a moment and truly focus on yourself. Like a typical elementary-age child, I never worked up the courage to tell him my feelings. Yet I forgot the opinion that mattered most—my opinion of myself.I was waiting for him to tell me I wasn’t good enough, the way I told myself that every day. If you start a relationship when you don’t love yourself, you’ll have many hardships along the way. My peers were starting to have relationships as young as 12. In my experience, it’s better to let love come naturally.
Since I was insecure and lonely, I was jealous of anyone who found someone that understood, cared for and stood by them. I was too insecure and loathed myself too much to be able to understand what another person could value in me. I met him at auditions and it was love at first sight; for me, at least.
After Mike, I tried to force it with a guy named Forrest. Caring, funny, talented, gentle, heartfelt, playful, passionate. Our friendship began that summer and stayed strong.
I was afraid he would realize how much work I needed.
I was waiting for the moment when he would finally understand me and be repulsed. If you can’t love yourself, you won’t be able to understand why someone else would love you. I didn’t love myself and didn’t get much love from my distant family or friends. You can’t replace self-love with love from another.
If you don’t know how to give yourself love, you’ll be clueless how to give it to anybody else. Rob’s ambition, smarts and dedication intimidated me.
I was still losing weight and learning to love myself when I met my husband, Rob. How could somebody such as Rob ever like (or love) a person like me?
When I confessed how I felt, he replied that he’d known the whole time. And, he’d known my feelings about him for over a year and never said anything. At the time, I told myself I wasn’t being obvious enough.
He also admitted that he didn’t return my feelings. Now I realize that refusing to address my feelings was already my answer. With Mike, I was too self-conscious to know my worth.
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